Caregivers experience the long goodbye

Intermountain Catholic

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Florence Oliver (center) is fed by her daughters Susie Lowe (left) and Shirley Ruffner, who serve as her caregivers. IC photo/Christine Young

SALT LAKE CITY — November is National Family Caregivers Month and is a way to honor, thank and support family caregivers. Sisters Shirley Ruffner and Suzie Lowe are experiencing the long goodbye as they watch their mother go through the end stages of dementia. Florence Oliver, 93, has had dementia for more than seven years.

Oliver, a longtime resident of Murray and member of Saint Vincent de Paul Parish, moved to a skilled nursing facility six years ago after she was forgetting to take her medication, and her doctor determined that she could no longer live alone.

Ruffner is a member of Blessed Sacrament Parish and Lowe is a member of Saint Thomas More Parish.

As their mother’s caregivers, the sisters alternate days feeding her and share paying her bills and buying her household supplies.

Oliver is the seventh of 14 children, of whom four are still alive. Her sister and a brother come once a week to feed and visit with her even though she no longer knows them.

"It’s very sad for my sister and me to see Florence this way, but we feel it’s necessary to talk to her and to help Shirley and Suzie feed her," said Bob Barber. "Sometimes when I say, ‘I’m your brother Bob,’ she’ll smile, and that makes me feel like it’s worth it. We visit her because she is our sister and we love her."

For about four years after Oliver moved to the nursing facility, Ruffner and Lowe could interact with her. They said they were still able to take her for rides and take her home for the holidays. Now it’s hard because their children miss their grandmother.

"She was a fun grandmother; she spoiled them," said Ruffner.

Ruffner and Lowe hang on to the moments when their mother is responsive.

"About a year ago she yelled, ‘Hey’ to a CNA (certified nurse’s assistant)," said Lowe. "He asked her what she wanted and who she was talking to?’ Mom said, ‘That’s my daughter.’ She didn’t know which one of us I was, but it was nice to hear."

One day when Lowe was out of town, Ruffner got a call because her mother’s blood pressure had spiked. "I was scared, and thought, ‘Don’t do this now, Suzie isn’t here,’ but it made it so she was able to hold a conversation. I’m glad Suzie’s husband witnessed it."

Sometimes seeing their mother this way is hard for the sisters.

"Some days we just go out in the hall and break down; we don’t let her see us," said Ruffner. "It was also really hard when she would ask us to take her home. We would just go along with her and tell her we would take her later."

"Sometimes I’ll be driving to work and think about her and I’ll just start to cry," said Lowe.

Ruffner recalled trying to buy her mother a birthday card this past July. "I would read one, start to cry, collect myself and try again," she said. "Finally I had to have my husband buy the card. I couldn’t do it. I bought her an ice cream cake and told her it was her birthday. I asked her when her birthday was and she remembered."

The one thing Ruffner regrets is not asking her mother for things like recipes, or how to do certain things. "I wish I would have asked her more about how she grew up, especially when I hear other relatives telling stories," she said.

"We put up with what she’s going through, but we don’t have to like it," Ruffner said.

Lowe agreed, adding, "It’s really sad seeing her this way."