Couples learn how to stay engaged after marriage

Intermountain Catholic

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Father Langes Silva, judicial vicar of the Diocese of Salt Lake City, renews the marriage vows of 70 couples. Fr. Langes, who reviews marriages for individuals seeking annulments, said it is nice to see marriages that are alive. The marriages he reviews are dead. IC photos by Christine Young

SANDY — "Communication is not the essential component in a marriage. Although it is important, there are three types of intimacy," said Dr. James Healy.

Healy led 70 couples in exploring ways to discover what it takes to live out their marriage vows joyfully and more fully at a Marriage Enrichment seminar Feb. 3, at Blessed Sacrament Church. "How to be Married and Stay Engaged" was the topic of Healy’s presentation sponsored by the Diocesan Family Life Office. Healy is married with four teenage children. He received his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the University of Illinois in 1985. He is the Director of the Center for Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet., Ill.

"The sacrament of marriage is between the husband and wife, but in the Catholic Church, a marriage is the window of God’s love to the world," said Healy. "We have to form a community desiring commitment to marriage because we are a vowed community and we support each other."

Healy said the world is full of couples who are communicating and divorcing. So in his experience, communication is a neutral. It is necessary, but not sufficient.

The three types of intimacy needed for a marriage to thrive are back-to-back, face-to-face, and shoulder-to-shoulder. Healy asked the group what was the greatest thing about marriage for them. Their responses were companionship, sharing, compromise, love making, children, grandchildren, unconditional love, and someone who offers support.

He then asked what is the most difficult or painful part of marriage? The responses were somewhat the same, and the group learned that something that bonds them can also challenge them. For example, romance and sex bond a couple, but they also can be difficult for a couple. Being in love is not enough because we do not stay on the mountaintop forever.

"Every marriage in our society is at the risk of divorce," said Healy. "The divorce rate increases once children become a part of the marriage. Children can be the greatest thing in a marriage, but they also can challenge the marriage. Every stage of marriage is a dying and rising of ourselves as the marriage grows as our careers change, finances change, health changes, children leave and then come back, and we have less time for ourselves and for intimacy. The marriage vows should be, ‘I will’ instead of ‘I do.’ ‘I will die and rise with you over and over again.’

"Grandparents and grandchildren are close because they have a common enemy," said Healy. "Our parents have expectations of us just as we have expectations of our children. As our children become adults, we have to become more like grandparents in our love for them. Our expectations have to change because we cannot control our children. We have to let them be who they are, not who we expect them to be."

Healy said driveway prayers help a lot. When he arrives home he says the following prayer in the driveway: Lord I am not enough, break me open so there is enough of me for the people I love. When we think we can do it alone without God, we find we are not enough and things do not go well.

Back-to-back intimacy is permanence. Some couples are dealing with the same issues as when they were dating. The problems do not get solved, they get managed. The sign of spiritual growth in a marriage is not how often you have a problem, it is how quickly you recover. The focus is not on what a spouse does wrong, it is the way your spouse helps you recover from your characteristic flaw. In a good marriage, you encourage, protect, and help each other out of problem areas, you do not jab or push each other’s buttons just to prove a point.

"Bury your radio active waste now, and make it no longer part of your life," said Healy. "Tell your spouse you are glad when he or she does something you like, and ask him or her to help you recover."

Face-to-face intimacy is faithfulness. Healy said most often there is not sexual unfaithfulness until it has been prepared for by all sorts of other types of unfaithfulness. We build up walls so the sexual wall is protected. Children, work, money, distance, the computer, sports, shopping, and other activities are things that take priority over the marriage. Every "yes" is a "no" to something else. The marriage often gets put on the bottom of the to do list.

Healy said there are four patterns of communication. Escalation is when a small issue leads to a big argument. To break an emotional escalation, you must absorb the blow and bring the emotions down. Take time out and agree to take up the issue when things have cooled down so you can make a concession.

Conflicts arise when one spouse feels invalidated. We have to listen carefully and acknowledge the other’s feelings. Conflicts also arise when there is a negative interpretations such as a spouse bringing flowers home. The response is, "What did you do wrong?" We have to ask what is the best possible reason he or she did something.

Shoulder-to-shoulder intimacy is hospitality. Healy said our children are the guests who stay the longest. They grow us up. When you have children, all of a sudden you are peers with your parents. The best thing we can do is bless our children with love, respect, and encouraging words that give them hope. We also need to bless the children beyond our own families and help them grow."