God Loves Me?

Friday, Feb. 27, 2015

Despite what the Bible says and the Catholic Church teaches, I struggle with the concept that God takes a personal interest in me. Our world contains 7 billion people, many of whom are on their knees praying with all their heart for relief from war or pestilence or starvation. Amid all this dire need, why should God take time for a middle-aged woman living a middle-class life in one of the most comfortable countries this world has ever known, whose worst problems at the moment are a painful case of plantar fasciitis and a faltering faith? 

To use the Bible description of a flock of sheep with Jesus as the Good Shepherd, I’m not a spotless lamb that could be offered for sacrifice, and I’m not the black sheep that he needs to bring back to the fold. I’m just one of the 99, hoping the wolf doesn’t get me and trying to avoid the attention of the master. (Catching his eye doesn’t ever seem to turn out well: the martyrdom of the apostles and how for 50 years Blessed Mother Teresa felt that God had thrown her away unloved are just two of many examples.)

Nevertheless, as I seek guidance on my spiritual path, I’m continually advised to develop a personal relationship with God, who has counted even the hairs on my head. Two books I finished recently have quite a bit to say on this subject.

See Yourself Through God’s Eyes by Marie Paul Curley, FSP, is a collection of 52 reflections. Most deal with God’s love: titles include “God shows his love for me every day,” “God lovingly restores me to life,” “I accept both my giftedness and weakness, secure in God’s love.” Each is a gentle reminder of the Creator’s care. 

On the other hand, Surrender to Love: Discovering the Hearth of Christian Spirituality by David G. Benner made me squirm. I’ve never met the author, but he sure knows a lot about my sinful side! He states that God “loves you deeply, recklessly and extravagantly, just as you are,” but “[p]erhaps you find yourself wanting to believe that this is true of God but still not convinced;” and one of the last questions he asks in his book is “whether you really know God’s love or merely know about it.” 

I’m in the latter category. I know the Biblical quotes about God’s love, and have met people who speak of his love in their lives, but for me this love is theoretical, not experiential.

Both Sr. Curley and Benner offer the same solution to this: prayer. Each suggests lectio divina, or reading a passage of the Bible and then meditating on it. Benner says: “Just allow the words to turn over in your mind and wash over your heart.” Sr. Curley includes an appendix on various methods of prayer, and resources to learn more about these.

Reading Sr. Curley’s book each morning helped open my eyes to God’s love. Benner helped me identify flaws in my thinking and actions. Now I’m taking their advice, and praying. This, from Saint Anselm, seems particularly pertinent: “O Lord my God, teach my heart this day where and how to see you, where and how to find you. You have made me and remade me, and you have bestowed on me all the good things I possess, and still I do not know you. I have not yet done that for which I was made. Teach me to seek you, for I cannot seek you unless you teach me, or find you unless you show yourself to me. Let me seek you in my desire, let me desire you in my seeking. Let me find you by loving you; let me love you when I find you. Amen.”