How to properly address clergy and other religious

Friday, Nov. 28, 2014

Is it ever acceptable to call a nun “Miss?”

This question is the least profound – and most peculiar – that your columnist has had to deal with recently. In a world in which proper etiquette and protocol are going you-know-where in a hand basket, one learns to take such questions in stride. (The answer to the question is, of course, no!)

As a firm believer that proper etiquette is one of society’s best defenses against rioting in the streets, I have selected from my imaginary mailbag the following ecclesiastical protocol questions. 

 

Q. I love informality and prefer to call our parish priests “Father Tim” and “Father Mike.” Is that OK?

A. First of all, informality is a vastly overrated quality. Actually, it really means chaos and disorder. How would you like to have your dentist pull a wisdom tooth informally or the pilot on you next flight make an informal landing? Such modes of address as you mention represent an awkward mixture of the official and the informal. Furthermore, they belong to the same cultural category as “Miss Charlotte” and Mr. Reginald;” that is to say, a mode of address traditionally used by footmen, chambermaids, and stable-boys for their “betters.” Either call your priests “Tim” and “Mike” – if they invite you to – or else use their surnames.  

A. Not necessarily. Normally, only persons in high ecclesiastical or public office (such as bishops and mayors) introduce themselves by title. Unless he is speaking to a young person or a group (or to what he regards as a member of the lower class), a priest may introduce himself by first name.  However, introduction by first name does not license the hearer to address by first name the person introducing him or herself.

Q. A finicky priest cousin of mine insists on the use of “The” before “Reverend.” Is he correct?

A. As correct as can be. “Reverend” is an adjective, not a noun, and it must always be preceded by “The.” Thus a Catholic bishop, Guido Soprano, is styled “The Most Rev. Guido Soprano.” A simple priest (whatever that is) is styled “The Reverend” as in “The Rev. Barry Fitzgerald.”

  

Q. Why do clergy insist on their own titles and yet commonly address lay persons (even elderly or distinguished ones) by first names?

 

A. This is a carry-over from the days when clergy were thought to be socially superior to the unwashed masses of laity. Clergy who believe that their own titles should be respected should, in turn, be equally respectful of the right of others to be addressed as Mr., Mrs., Ms., Miss, Dr. (or Your Royal Highness or Your Ladyship, if applicable). 

Q. What about the custom of addressing and referring to Episcopalian and Protestant ministers as “Reverend”?

A. You must never refer to a Protestant or Episcopalian minister as “Reverend So-and So.” Charleton Drundge, an Episcopalian, is referred to as “Father Drundge” or “Dean” or sometimes “Canon” if attached to a cathedral. Ludwig Eckerstorfer, a Lutheran, is addressed as “Pastor Eckerstorfer.” Most other Protestant ministers go by “Pastor.”

Q. Who died and left you in charge of these matters?

A. No one, and I’m not. You will find these rules variously set forth in the Office of Protocol of the State Department and The Emily Post Institute. Additional pointers may be found in Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. 

Oh, by the way: This column is not infallible or binding under pain of mortal sin!