Lord, have mercy

Friday, Nov. 06, 2015

On Thursday, in his homily at the Mass celebrated during the seniors’ retreat, Dominican Father Wayne Cavalier said the only thing that comes between us and God’s love is ourselves. Later, as I sat with this idea in prayer, my thoughts came to rest on an area of my life that I’m not happy about, but I haven’t asked God for assistance because it has nothing to do with my salvation. 

At this point, my inner critic sneered, “You’re not going to tell God about that, are you? It’d be like asking him for help sticking to your diet.” 

To which the Holy Spirit responded, “We want to be invited into all aspects of your life.”

So I took a deep breath and said, “God, come to my assistance. …” 

We had an extended session, because once I got started I realized that all of the time and effort I’ve put into this area has affected almost every other part of my life. By the time I was finished describing it, I’d raked together a whole heap of resentment that I didn’t know existed, and I was ashamed, because it certainly wasn’t a worthy offering to God. I told him to forget I’d bothered him, and turned away, but then heard myself say, in voice as petulant as any 2-year-old’s, “I can do it myself!”

“Oh, God,” my appalled adult self asked, “is that really what I sound like?”

His silence spoke volumes, so I apologized sincerely and knelt back down. I reexamined the stinking mess, aghast that I wanted to hold onto it just to so I wouldn’t have to admit that I couldn’t handle the problem on my own. 

Once more I asked for the Holy Spirit’s help in leaving the rotting pile in God’s hands, but when I tried to say “Amen,” I felt the cold tendrils of pride and self-will and embarrassment remaining deep in my soul. I dug them out, adding them one by one to the putrid mound. 

I’m ashamed both that I had to ask God for help and that it took me so long to do so. Struggling with this, I came across this quote by Jack Kornfield: “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” 

Which brings us back to Fr. Cavalier’s homily, in which he also said many people don’t believe they deserve God’s mercy. As I examine my actions, I wonder why I’m so afraid to entrust this whole sorry episode to God. Am I scared he won’t show me mercy, because I know that too often I fail to follow the command to “be merciful just as your Father is merciful?” (Fr, Cavalier joked that our prayer should be, “God, please don’t give me what I deserve!” but for me that’s an honest plea.)

Pope Francis has a remedy, as he writes in Misericordiae Vultus, the proclamation calling for the Year of Mercy: “In order to be capable of mercy … we must first of all dispose ourselves to listen to the Word of God.”

I’m listening; I just don’t like what the answer says about me. Therefore, I’m going to take another piece of the Holy Father’s advice and spend the next year contemplating God’s mercy and applying it to everything in my life, including myself. 

As another holy man, the Dalai Lama, said, “If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not capable of developing compassion for others.” 

Lord, I hate to admit it, but I really need this Year of Mercy, because I’ve got a lot of work to do, and I’m going to need your help to do it..